March 31, 2009

so...first post. done out of necessity, boredom, stress, procrastination- who knows. But may this first post live forever in infamy...

first topic:

love deferred.

on the eve of decision day, when anxiety racked high school seniors hear back from their potential colleges...deferment is my topic, my focus, my realization.

his love, my love, our love, deferred for various reasons

for reasons that i first suggested but grapple with daily. constant reminders from life arise, confirmations of the fact that yes, this was a good decision. that i was right, that we do not need to be together right now.

and we don't. this i know.

so we deferred. no rejection, no acceptance- just deferred.

until he realized that a rejection was what he needed in order to move on from his first choice for college, that kept looking at his application in comparison with many others,
and contemplating, judging, weighing. back and forth. no, he could not do this, he needed a divorce from this, a separation from this process of time and emotions and cruelty. he needed to reject me, me who deferred (yet rejected) him.

so today was my first day of rehab. to wean myself fully off of him, and it seems, end everything. so that i can keep him from some pain, by allowing him time to recover and reject. no more suspended deferment. since i could not accept.

soundtrack: (click to hear)

Fade Away- Gaelle

Gaelle: my favorite artist- Trance/Blues/Rythem/Amazing- she's been around for a minute, you should definitely check her out.
the | beat | between